So that ear infection was no joke.
I went to the doctor and he looked in my ear that didn't hurt and immediately said "oh you poor thing"...
Apparently neither of my ear drums was moving at all when he had me plug my nose and blow to expand them....Both of them were completely full of fluid.
SOOOOoooo yeah, I'm a four year old and I had a double ear infection last week. Needless to say at least now I know why I had been so tired and was having trouble getting my butt in gear. The doctor was amazing and gave me medicine to treat the CAUSE of the ear infection (allergies) instead of just treating the infection with antibiotics and sending me on my way.
Today I went for a very easy run with my best friend who is coming back from an injury after Mass. It was super hot outside but we had a great run. I was able to keep a conversation and never felt like my lungs were dying....What a novel concept I like this being able to breath thing.
So since I missed last week, tomorrow and Wednesday I will be kickboxing and Wednesday I start back with my chiropractor who I love (she helped fix my neck after a bad car accident about 1.5 years ago but after that I stopped going) to start addressing my other health issues that might help get my PCOS under control so we can make a baby.
#healthylife
#absorababy
#letsdothis
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Wednesday, April 26, 2017
apparently on Wednesdays we get ear infections
so I just woke up on my own 15 minutes before my alarm slightly dizzy and within pain. My right ear hurts so badly it woke me up and the only way it is even tolerable is with it againstthr pillow (not necessarily down, so I'm assuming it's a heat thing). But even then it hurts pretty badly.
Thank God Tricare has online appointment scheduling so I have an appointment for 9:00.
What 31 year old gets an ear infection???
Thank God Tricare has online appointment scheduling so I have an appointment for 9:00.
What 31 year old gets an ear infection???
Monday, April 24, 2017
Personal conflict
A friend of mine has repeatedly offered to serve as a surrogate for me. This is something that has humbled me in many ways knowing that she loves me so much that she would put her body through a pregnancy so that I could have a baby of my own.
At the same time I have always been conflicted by this offer because it was made before I even had a chance to get my head and hubby to get his around how we felt about IVF as an option for us, let alone the idea of having someone else carry the baby.
Part of what bothered me was the lack of true religious guidance on the subject. I knew the Catholic Church had guidelines but at the time (this was over 2 years ago) I didn't see hubby and I taking this step into the church and never even looked into what guidance the Catholic Church offered.
When we started the confirmation process I knew I needed to research the churches teachings on infertility treatments. So I did, and in many ways knowing where the church stands on the topic will help us make decisions going forward. At the same time this knowledge limits our choices and exasperates the feeling of hopelessness knowing that there are less options available.
So what are the church's views?
A lot of it comes down to personal conscious, however because of the church's teachings about the sanctity of life and abortion there are very strict guidelines once you reach a certain point in the process.
In one article I read a statement from a Catholic bioethicists stood out to me, it stated: "the point of the church's position is to protect the dignity of children by honoring the church's conception of natural law."
I feel that this quitting principle is one we will need to keep in mind no matter what steps we take going forward. We must honor the dignity of children and honor the church teaching.
Will we continue with additional IUI cycles? Probably. In my opinion because of the way the process works, and because couples are encouraged to have intercourse daily for 2-3 days after and IUI I personally think that this still honors the dignity of children, as any embryo that is created would either implant in the uterus and grow to full term or not the same way as if IUI was not used, and because of intercourse after the procedure there is no real way of knowing which sperm fertilized the egg.
Will we do IUI if my husband cannot be home, for example if he is deployed (my husband is an active duty sailor in the US Navy) probably not.
Will we do IVF? I still don't know, but when the time comes to cross that bridge I do know that we will be able to enter into whatever decision we make through prayer and study and conversations with clergy about the church teachings. I know that any embryos that are created will be implanted, if not in one cycle then over multiple cycles because their destruction would not honor the church's teachings.
Will we have a surrogate carry an embryo created from my egg and my husbands sperm? No, I feel pretty confident at this point that surrogacy isn't what God has in mind for me and my husband. I hope we don't reach the point where we must make this decision but at least next time my friend offers, she has a tendency to do so at regular intervals, I will have a more solid answer than what I have given her in the past.
At the same time I have always been conflicted by this offer because it was made before I even had a chance to get my head and hubby to get his around how we felt about IVF as an option for us, let alone the idea of having someone else carry the baby.
Part of what bothered me was the lack of true religious guidance on the subject. I knew the Catholic Church had guidelines but at the time (this was over 2 years ago) I didn't see hubby and I taking this step into the church and never even looked into what guidance the Catholic Church offered.
When we started the confirmation process I knew I needed to research the churches teachings on infertility treatments. So I did, and in many ways knowing where the church stands on the topic will help us make decisions going forward. At the same time this knowledge limits our choices and exasperates the feeling of hopelessness knowing that there are less options available.
So what are the church's views?
A lot of it comes down to personal conscious, however because of the church's teachings about the sanctity of life and abortion there are very strict guidelines once you reach a certain point in the process.
In one article I read a statement from a Catholic bioethicists stood out to me, it stated: "the point of the church's position is to protect the dignity of children by honoring the church's conception of natural law."
I feel that this quitting principle is one we will need to keep in mind no matter what steps we take going forward. We must honor the dignity of children and honor the church teaching.
Will we continue with additional IUI cycles? Probably. In my opinion because of the way the process works, and because couples are encouraged to have intercourse daily for 2-3 days after and IUI I personally think that this still honors the dignity of children, as any embryo that is created would either implant in the uterus and grow to full term or not the same way as if IUI was not used, and because of intercourse after the procedure there is no real way of knowing which sperm fertilized the egg.
Will we do IUI if my husband cannot be home, for example if he is deployed (my husband is an active duty sailor in the US Navy) probably not.
Will we do IVF? I still don't know, but when the time comes to cross that bridge I do know that we will be able to enter into whatever decision we make through prayer and study and conversations with clergy about the church teachings. I know that any embryos that are created will be implanted, if not in one cycle then over multiple cycles because their destruction would not honor the church's teachings.
Will we have a surrogate carry an embryo created from my egg and my husbands sperm? No, I feel pretty confident at this point that surrogacy isn't what God has in mind for me and my husband. I hope we don't reach the point where we must make this decision but at least next time my friend offers, she has a tendency to do so at regular intervals, I will have a more solid answer than what I have given her in the past.
Saturday, April 22, 2017
Mixed Emotions
Tomorrow my husband and I will be confirmed in the Catholic church. This is something that has been a long time coming in my life and I am truly excited for this moment.
I've been drawn to the Catholic faith for a long time, while I was raised in a non-denominational church and fee like that experience did a lot to shape my belief system as I learned more about the Catholic church I realized that the church teachings are very simple and speak to me at a deeper level.
I attended a Catholic University for my undergraduate degree. As a result of this I was surrounded by many people who were raised Catholic. I attended mass on a regular basis (I had a scholarship for being part of the choir on campus) and could fake Catholic better than most of my friends who actually were Catholic.
When I got married to my husband he had been raised in the Presbyterian church and getting him to attend any church with me was difficult. He would attend the small christian church where he grew up and where we were married (they had VBS and stuff when he was a kid so he went between there for the "Kid" formation and the Presbyterian church for actual church) but that was about it. When we moved away from our hometown it became more difficult to find a church he was willing to attend.
About a year ago he decided that he wanted to give the Catholic church a chance--and here we are. Tomorrow we will be confirmed into the Catholic church together.
It's funny though. People are making such a huge deal about Hubby's special day...and no one even seems to car about the fact that it's my special day too. I just said something about it to his sponsor who is visiting us from home for the occasion and found out that his sponsor didn't even know I was being confirmed.
At least now I know why only my sponsor, my mom and one of my girlfriends at work seem to be the only two people who really care about my feelings about tomorrow.
I've been drawn to the Catholic faith for a long time, while I was raised in a non-denominational church and fee like that experience did a lot to shape my belief system as I learned more about the Catholic church I realized that the church teachings are very simple and speak to me at a deeper level.
I attended a Catholic University for my undergraduate degree. As a result of this I was surrounded by many people who were raised Catholic. I attended mass on a regular basis (I had a scholarship for being part of the choir on campus) and could fake Catholic better than most of my friends who actually were Catholic.
When I got married to my husband he had been raised in the Presbyterian church and getting him to attend any church with me was difficult. He would attend the small christian church where he grew up and where we were married (they had VBS and stuff when he was a kid so he went between there for the "Kid" formation and the Presbyterian church for actual church) but that was about it. When we moved away from our hometown it became more difficult to find a church he was willing to attend.
About a year ago he decided that he wanted to give the Catholic church a chance--and here we are. Tomorrow we will be confirmed into the Catholic church together.
It's funny though. People are making such a huge deal about Hubby's special day...and no one even seems to car about the fact that it's my special day too. I just said something about it to his sponsor who is visiting us from home for the occasion and found out that his sponsor didn't even know I was being confirmed.
At least now I know why only my sponsor, my mom and one of my girlfriends at work seem to be the only two people who really care about my feelings about tomorrow.
Wednesday, April 19, 2017
On Wednesday's we kickbox
I have recently discovered a love for Kickboxing.
I've joked for years that I really like violent sports. I love yelling at hockey games and am a pretty big Indianapolis Colts fan.
I've never been a big fan of true fighting though, MMA, Boxing, Wrestling, not really for me so when my husband discovered that the fights in hockey are my favorite part he had a field day.
A couple of weeks ago I bought a groupon for Kickboxing classes at our local Ilovekickboxing.com gym. I thought it would be a fun workout that hubby and I could do together.
Needless to say I love it. Now on Wednesday mornings I'm hauling my butt out of bed at 04:30 so that I can make it to the 05:30 class and it is so wonderful.
This morning I totally took out all of my frustration on the bag and left feeling amazing. Now I'm home, showered, and dressed and getting ready to head out the door for work.
Make today a great day!
I've joked for years that I really like violent sports. I love yelling at hockey games and am a pretty big Indianapolis Colts fan.
I've never been a big fan of true fighting though, MMA, Boxing, Wrestling, not really for me so when my husband discovered that the fights in hockey are my favorite part he had a field day.
A couple of weeks ago I bought a groupon for Kickboxing classes at our local Ilovekickboxing.com gym. I thought it would be a fun workout that hubby and I could do together.
Needless to say I love it. Now on Wednesday mornings I'm hauling my butt out of bed at 04:30 so that I can make it to the 05:30 class and it is so wonderful.
This morning I totally took out all of my frustration on the bag and left feeling amazing. Now I'm home, showered, and dressed and getting ready to head out the door for work.
Make today a great day!
Thursday, April 13, 2017
Unexplainable Panic
Ok, so not really unexplainable...but un-like me and at a random time.
This morning I was getting ready for work. I was putting on my makeup and as I started to apply my eyeliner I was overwhelmed by emotion. It was completely uncontrollable; I ended up with a streak of eyeliner up the side of my face and on the bathroom floor in a ball crying for over 5 minutes.
I have only had a panic attack one other time in my life, and that was when my mom told me that my dad had passed away, and I was able to pull myself together enough to form coherent thoughts and sentences after about 2 or 3 minutes. Today I couldn’t even understand my own thoughts let alone have voiced them if I tried.
This was worse. I have no doubt that baby stress is what caused it but it was so bizarre because babies were the farthest thing from my mind at the time. I was doing my makeup, had just gotten out of the shower and was trying to decide if I should be concerned about the noise I heard coming from downstairs that sounded like the dogs scratching on something (turns out one of our dogs and gotten a bag of beef jerky off of the coffee table and was still working diligently at getting it open once I made it downstairs after I got myself together after the panic attack—so yeah, I should have been concerned). Next thing I knew I was on the floor sobbing and couldn’t catch my breath.
What a great way to start my day. #thisisreallife
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
The birth of an infertility blog
I feel like today is a fitting time for me to talk about why I started this blog. On Saturday I stepped on the scale, something I do almost daily, and saw a number that I really didn’t like. I gained 4 pounds last week, despite the fact that I was using my Advocare products properly, eating real food at a calorie deficit, I was hitting my macros like a champ! I was working out regularly and drinking enough water. I did all the things I normally do and instead of seeing my weight drop, it went up.
For most people when they eat at a level where they truly are at a calorie deficit they will lose weight at a rate of approximately 1 pound for every 3,500 calories they are deficit. For some where weight loss is a little more difficult they may need to make other changes, perhaps change the source of calories or even add some calories back if they are eating at too low of a deficit. Some people may not need to change what they eat but may need to increase their activity level in order to encourage their body to burn fat. Most often these people are overestimating the number of calories they are burning during the day and/or underestimating the amount they eat.
In this case I was not doing any of those things. I track every bite of food I eat on myfitnesspal. I have used it for many years but am currently sitting on a 100+day streak of tracking and I have been diligent during the week (some weekends I slip a little and may miss a snack or meal but nothing life changing). Also I have a FitBit Charge HR, which has a fairly solid reputation for its accuracy in estimating daily calorie burn.
From Sunday 4/2 through Friday 4/7 I consumed 10,169 calories and burned 15,903 which should have meant I had a calorie deficit of 5,734, and should have lost 1.6 pounds during the week. Instead I GAINED 4 POUNDS.
There is really only one thing that would cause this kind of result, hormones.
Unfortunately part of the joy of PCOS is unpredictable hormonal responses to things. So after I got extremely pissed off for getting results that were in direct contrast with what I had expected to achieve (tears were shed, it wasn’t pretty) I decided that I needed to take even more control of the situation in order to stop myself from spinning out of control. So I sat down and recalculated my macros, I made plans to lower my calories by an additional 100 per day and I started revisiting my personal history and reaction to various food choices.
Then I started a blog—because I needed somewhere to talk about things.
I have two very good friends who know about my goal for 2017 of having abs or a baby on New Year’s Eve. During 2016 I had three IUI’s and despite the cycles of hormones that are famous for causing weight gain I managed to weigh 1 pound less on January 1, 2017 than I did on January 1, 2016. I considered that a minor win, however I expressed to these friends that I wanted to take control of something with my body because I felt like through this process I have had no control; I have simply been stuck at the whim of the doctors. So I told them I wanted to end the year with either abs or a baby, and one of them told me I needed to hashtag that on all of my workout FB posts. While I’m not at a point where I want to be that in-your-face about my goals with my friends and family I did think it would make a cute blog name and twitter handle. So here we are!
#absorababy
Monday, April 10, 2017
Infertility Background Part 3
To pickup where I left off my last background post--
A couple of days after I miscarried I went to my regularly scheduled ob/gyn appointment--which was supposed to be my first prenatal appointment. When I got to the office and checked in I told the receptionist what had happened and that the ER told me to keep the appointment. The receptionist immediately adopted a different demeanor and apologized for what I had gone through and told me to take a seat. I then heard her talking on the phone in hushed tones with who I later found out was the nurse practitioner I was scheduled to see.
The nurse practitioner came out and immediately ushered me back into a room apologizing that I had been told to keep the appointment because she wasn't who I would need to see but that since I was there anyway she wanted to check and see how I was doing/handling things. That nurse was probably one of the nicest people I have ever been seen by in a medical facility. She seemed truly concerned for me as a person.
I must say, despite some miscommunications and having to navigate the red tape of military medical care I have always received good treatment in the end and have been blessed to have doctors who are on top of their game whenever strange things have happened. I can only hope that this continues to be the case as we continue on this journey.
Sunday, April 9, 2017
Moodiness
I have been extremely moody the last few days. That is part of what has sparked this blog. I've been cranky, I've been depressed, and I've felt extremely hopeless. This evening I reached a breaking point. I started crying for no reason in the kitchen while I was getting my breakfast ready for this week. I started getting overwhelmed when I was working on meal planning for the week and it just went downhill from there. Some days are better than others, today was a bad one.
Ecclesiastes Chapter 3
1 There is a season for everything, a time for every occupation under heaven:
2 A time for giving birth, a time for dying; a time for planting, a time for uprooting what has been planted.
3 A time for killing, a time for healing; a time for knocking down, a time for building.
4 A time for tears, a time for laughter; a time for mourning, a time for dancing.
5 A time for throwing stones away, a time for gathering them; a time for embracing, a time to refrain from embracing.
6 A time for searching, a time for losing; a time for keeping, a time for discarding.
7 A time for tearing, a time for sewing; a time for keeping silent, a time for speaking.
8 A time for loving, a time for hating; a time for war, a time for peace.
9 What do people gain from the efforts they make?
10 I contemplate the task that God gives humanity to labour at.
11 All that he does is apt for its time; but although he has given us an awareness of the passage of time, we can grasp neither the beginning nor the end of what God does.
Infertility Background part 2 (less TMI)
So after my husband returned from deployment we very quickly had a surprise. In March of 2014 I was pregnant!
My husband was at work that night and I was so excited I couldn't wait to tell him. So I went to a bookstore and bought him the book "How to Dad" and called him to come off the ship to my car because I had "brought him dinner". His reaction to the news was amazing and just made me more excited.
We had a lot going on at that point in them. We had just purchased a new house (in fact I'm fairly certain the baby was conceived the day we closed on the house) and we were working on painting walls and refinishing floors, work that I love doing, but of course with this news I had to back off a bit and take a more supervisory role.
Because we live about 12 hours away from our family I wanted to tell my mom and my husbands dad and sisters about the pregnancy in a cute, unique way. (My dad passed away in 2009, His mom passed away in 2012). But I wanted my mom to know first. So I kept putting off telling them (and therefore almost everyone else) while I tried to come up with an idea.
Near the 8th week I started having some cramping and bleeding and went to the ER. They did an ultrasound and found a heart beat then told me to follow up with ob/gyn as soon as they could get me in. My first prenatal appointment wasn't scheduled for another 2 weeks so I called ob/gyn when I left the ER with my beautiful printout of my little baby and they made me an appointment for a couple of days later. At my follow up with ob/gyn they did another ultrasound and said that everything looked ok. The bleeding had stopped so they thought I was out of the woods and should be ok. Since I now had in my possession early ultra sound printouts I figured out the perfect way to announce my pregnancy to my mom. I decided to make a super cute "grandma" card and put the ultrasound inside. a week or so later with no cramping and no bleeding and I felt safe mailing it, so I dropped my mom's card in the mail and had my father and sister-in law's cards ready to go as soon as I heard from my mom (again I didn't want to risk them finding out first.)
The next night I started bleeding again. This time it was a lot of blood, and I felt like I was going to die. My husband took me to the ER and they confirmed that I had miscarried. As I was laying on the bed in the ER all I could think was "my mom..." So through sobs and tears I somehow got through to my husband what I had done. That precious man had to leave me in the ER so that he could go outside and call my mom and tell her what was happening, and she wouldn't even get the announcement that I was pregnant for two more days. I can't imagine what that was like for him. At the time I was so wrapped up in my emotions and so distraught I honestly have no memory of anything except the fact that it happened and this overwhelming sense of pain and hurt. It was the worst experience of my life and something I would never wish on anyone.
My mom is an amazing woman, she knows that I don't like talking about these kinds of things outside of facts and figures, so she handled it as a fact of something that happened and we moved on. To this day I don't know if she even ever opened the envelope I sent her and saw the ultrasound or if she simply threw the envelope in the trash.
I still have those ultrasounds tho, in the notebook I use to record all of the information from my doctors appointments related to my fibroid, pregnancy, and miscarriage and related follow ups. They mark the page where I started researching daycares because I thought the medical side was over...Of course now there are many more pages of medical stuff after the daycares....
My original ob/gyn appointment was scheduled for two or three days after I miscarried. So the ER told me to keep that appointment and that I wouldn't need to call and change anything, just to show up and they would do a miscarriage followup to make sure I didn't need any further follow up care. Unfortunately for me and the nurse I was scheduled to meet the wasn't actually the case. But I think That story will be my next post.
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| The positive test |
We had a lot going on at that point in them. We had just purchased a new house (in fact I'm fairly certain the baby was conceived the day we closed on the house) and we were working on painting walls and refinishing floors, work that I love doing, but of course with this news I had to back off a bit and take a more supervisory role.
Because we live about 12 hours away from our family I wanted to tell my mom and my husbands dad and sisters about the pregnancy in a cute, unique way. (My dad passed away in 2009, His mom passed away in 2012). But I wanted my mom to know first. So I kept putting off telling them (and therefore almost everyone else) while I tried to come up with an idea.
Near the 8th week I started having some cramping and bleeding and went to the ER. They did an ultrasound and found a heart beat then told me to follow up with ob/gyn as soon as they could get me in. My first prenatal appointment wasn't scheduled for another 2 weeks so I called ob/gyn when I left the ER with my beautiful printout of my little baby and they made me an appointment for a couple of days later. At my follow up with ob/gyn they did another ultrasound and said that everything looked ok. The bleeding had stopped so they thought I was out of the woods and should be ok. Since I now had in my possession early ultra sound printouts I figured out the perfect way to announce my pregnancy to my mom. I decided to make a super cute "grandma" card and put the ultrasound inside. a week or so later with no cramping and no bleeding and I felt safe mailing it, so I dropped my mom's card in the mail and had my father and sister-in law's cards ready to go as soon as I heard from my mom (again I didn't want to risk them finding out first.)
The next night I started bleeding again. This time it was a lot of blood, and I felt like I was going to die. My husband took me to the ER and they confirmed that I had miscarried. As I was laying on the bed in the ER all I could think was "my mom..." So through sobs and tears I somehow got through to my husband what I had done. That precious man had to leave me in the ER so that he could go outside and call my mom and tell her what was happening, and she wouldn't even get the announcement that I was pregnant for two more days. I can't imagine what that was like for him. At the time I was so wrapped up in my emotions and so distraught I honestly have no memory of anything except the fact that it happened and this overwhelming sense of pain and hurt. It was the worst experience of my life and something I would never wish on anyone.
My mom is an amazing woman, she knows that I don't like talking about these kinds of things outside of facts and figures, so she handled it as a fact of something that happened and we moved on. To this day I don't know if she even ever opened the envelope I sent her and saw the ultrasound or if she simply threw the envelope in the trash.
I still have those ultrasounds tho, in the notebook I use to record all of the information from my doctors appointments related to my fibroid, pregnancy, and miscarriage and related follow ups. They mark the page where I started researching daycares because I thought the medical side was over...Of course now there are many more pages of medical stuff after the daycares....
My original ob/gyn appointment was scheduled for two or three days after I miscarried. So the ER told me to keep that appointment and that I wouldn't need to call and change anything, just to show up and they would do a miscarriage followup to make sure I didn't need any further follow up care. Unfortunately for me and the nurse I was scheduled to meet the wasn't actually the case. But I think That story will be my next post.
Saturday, April 8, 2017
Infertility Background (TMI FYI)
I was put on birth control pills when I was 16. Not because of concerns about getting pregnant but because I had an ovarian cyst rupture (at least that is what they thought happened) and by putting me on birth control I wouldn't have to worry about it.
From the time I was 16 until I was 26 I took a pill every morning that kept my cycle in control, regulated my hormones, and suppressed any symptoms that there might have been something actually wrong with my reproductive system. I went off birth control for about 6 months in college because the co-pay was out of my budget and "eh, I'm not having sex so it doesn't matter". During that time I had one cycle that went for over 50 days, so I should have known something was wrong but I was young and stupid and just assumed it was my body "getting used to being off birth control." Shortly after that I went back on the pill and never thought about it again...until...
When my husband and I decided it was time to start a family I went off of birth control and we naturally assumed that in a few months I would be pregnant. On December 27, 2011 I took my last birth control pill, and chaos ensued.
Initially because I had been on birth control for so long I didn't know what normal was. Painful cramps (to the point of tears, heavy bleeding, mid cycle cramping, unpredictable cycles, I had it all. At one point I even said - if this is what it's like then it's a wonder that any women aren't on birth control when they aren't actively trying for kids. What I didn't know is that what I was going through wasn't normal.
Then it got extra crazy...from July through September of 2012 I had a cycle that lasted 69 days. I took a pregnancy test on day 39, it was negative, I took another pregnancy test on day 45, another negative I also was having horrible headaches and was afraid to take any medicine because...what if the tests were wrong...so I called my doctor and their response was "are you sure you did the test right?" (How do you pee on a stick the wrong way????) They told me to wait one more week and if it still didn't start then to make an appointment. On day 66 I finally had an appointment with a nurse practitioner. She was amazing and didn't even order a urine pregnancy test - she trusted that I knew how to pee on a stick by that point- and went straight for the blood test. By this point I had been suffering sever cramps, headaches, nausea, bloating, moderate weight gain, swollen breasts and every other bad symptom of pregnancy you can think of for over 3 weeks, and I wasn't pregnant. The nurse ordered a pelvic ultrasound for a few days later and finally on day 70, the day before the ultra sound, my period started. They did the ultrasound anyway and found what they thought was a small fibroid in my uterus.
After multiple gynecologist visits, more ultrasounds involving injecting saline (aka saline sonogram) and some X-rays involving dye being injected into my uterus (yes, it is just as pleasant as it sounds) I eventually found myself with a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist and the determination was made that I needed to have surgery to remove the growth (which they still had not fully determined if was a fibroid, polyp or a tumor that could be cancer--no big deal...) and scheduled the surgery for May of 2013.
After I had my surgery (dilation and cutterage) things got much better. My cycles adopted a regular 34-35 day schedule (while long, at least they were regular) and everything was hunky-dory with my follow up appointment. I was cleared to start the baby making process, with one problem, my husband is active duty in the US Navy and was deployed at the time. So no baby making fun for me until he got back. He got home in November of 2013, so I will pick the story up there in my next post...this one feels like it is getting kind of long.
From the time I was 16 until I was 26 I took a pill every morning that kept my cycle in control, regulated my hormones, and suppressed any symptoms that there might have been something actually wrong with my reproductive system. I went off birth control for about 6 months in college because the co-pay was out of my budget and "eh, I'm not having sex so it doesn't matter". During that time I had one cycle that went for over 50 days, so I should have known something was wrong but I was young and stupid and just assumed it was my body "getting used to being off birth control." Shortly after that I went back on the pill and never thought about it again...until...
When my husband and I decided it was time to start a family I went off of birth control and we naturally assumed that in a few months I would be pregnant. On December 27, 2011 I took my last birth control pill, and chaos ensued.
Initially because I had been on birth control for so long I didn't know what normal was. Painful cramps (to the point of tears, heavy bleeding, mid cycle cramping, unpredictable cycles, I had it all. At one point I even said - if this is what it's like then it's a wonder that any women aren't on birth control when they aren't actively trying for kids. What I didn't know is that what I was going through wasn't normal.
Then it got extra crazy...from July through September of 2012 I had a cycle that lasted 69 days. I took a pregnancy test on day 39, it was negative, I took another pregnancy test on day 45, another negative I also was having horrible headaches and was afraid to take any medicine because...what if the tests were wrong...so I called my doctor and their response was "are you sure you did the test right?" (How do you pee on a stick the wrong way????) They told me to wait one more week and if it still didn't start then to make an appointment. On day 66 I finally had an appointment with a nurse practitioner. She was amazing and didn't even order a urine pregnancy test - she trusted that I knew how to pee on a stick by that point- and went straight for the blood test. By this point I had been suffering sever cramps, headaches, nausea, bloating, moderate weight gain, swollen breasts and every other bad symptom of pregnancy you can think of for over 3 weeks, and I wasn't pregnant. The nurse ordered a pelvic ultrasound for a few days later and finally on day 70, the day before the ultra sound, my period started. They did the ultrasound anyway and found what they thought was a small fibroid in my uterus.
After multiple gynecologist visits, more ultrasounds involving injecting saline (aka saline sonogram) and some X-rays involving dye being injected into my uterus (yes, it is just as pleasant as it sounds) I eventually found myself with a referral to a reproductive endocrinologist and the determination was made that I needed to have surgery to remove the growth (which they still had not fully determined if was a fibroid, polyp or a tumor that could be cancer--no big deal...) and scheduled the surgery for May of 2013.
After I had my surgery (dilation and cutterage) things got much better. My cycles adopted a regular 34-35 day schedule (while long, at least they were regular) and everything was hunky-dory with my follow up appointment. I was cleared to start the baby making process, with one problem, my husband is active duty in the US Navy and was deployed at the time. So no baby making fun for me until he got back. He got home in November of 2013, so I will pick the story up there in my next post...this one feels like it is getting kind of long.
In the beginning
It should have been easy.
People have been reproducing since the beginning of time. Adam and Eve had kids, Noah and Naamah had kids...16 year olds have kids...
I honestly believed that as soon as I stopped my birth control my husband and I would get pregnant and start the grand adventure into parent hood.
That didn't happen. If it had then we would currently be parents to a 4 or 5 year old. Instead we are parents of 2 wonderful puppies.
I have another blog, I'm horrible at updating it but I wanted a separate space to talk about my current challenges. A place to process and vent.
One of my girlfriends mentioned starting a blog to process her feelings about running, she is currently training for her first half marathon and realizing that it takes more than just the physical strength. Since then I have been obsessing over the idea and realized that I need a safe space to process. A space where I can say whatever the hell I want whenever I want about how much this infertility shit sucks.
It is possible this will be my only post, I can't promise that every post will be coherent. But I do encourage you to comment if you happen upon my random ramblings and have something to say in response. And to my IRL friends and even internet friends I may make along the way--Please don't take anything I write personally.
If I post something bitchy about someone in my life getting knocked up the day after you tell me you are expecting, please know that deep down and on the surface I am really happy for you, however that doesn't change the fact that sometimes I will also be extremely jealous...and sometimes I may just want to scream and say not-nice things. None of these things are meant to be personal and I won't say them to your face because I don't want to take away from your experience. However this is my place to process and work through those feelings. It is meant to be cathartic.
And hopefully by having this safe space I will be able to work through my feelings in a more efficient way and not be so damn melancholy all the time. I'm great at faking it but I am so tired of faking it. I just want to be happy again.
People have been reproducing since the beginning of time. Adam and Eve had kids, Noah and Naamah had kids...16 year olds have kids...
I honestly believed that as soon as I stopped my birth control my husband and I would get pregnant and start the grand adventure into parent hood.
That didn't happen. If it had then we would currently be parents to a 4 or 5 year old. Instead we are parents of 2 wonderful puppies.
I have another blog, I'm horrible at updating it but I wanted a separate space to talk about my current challenges. A place to process and vent.
One of my girlfriends mentioned starting a blog to process her feelings about running, she is currently training for her first half marathon and realizing that it takes more than just the physical strength. Since then I have been obsessing over the idea and realized that I need a safe space to process. A space where I can say whatever the hell I want whenever I want about how much this infertility shit sucks.
It is possible this will be my only post, I can't promise that every post will be coherent. But I do encourage you to comment if you happen upon my random ramblings and have something to say in response. And to my IRL friends and even internet friends I may make along the way--Please don't take anything I write personally.
If I post something bitchy about someone in my life getting knocked up the day after you tell me you are expecting, please know that deep down and on the surface I am really happy for you, however that doesn't change the fact that sometimes I will also be extremely jealous...and sometimes I may just want to scream and say not-nice things. None of these things are meant to be personal and I won't say them to your face because I don't want to take away from your experience. However this is my place to process and work through those feelings. It is meant to be cathartic.
And hopefully by having this safe space I will be able to work through my feelings in a more efficient way and not be so damn melancholy all the time. I'm great at faking it but I am so tired of faking it. I just want to be happy again.
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