Sunday, November 15, 2015

Life is a journey

My last post was about the miscarriage I had last year, which lines up with about the time I quit blogging and left the internet world.   This post goes a little further into my emotions and feelings and current steps being taken.

So roughly 2.5 years ago I wrote a guest post for my friend Wifey @ Wife of a Sailor about infertility.  Since then I have been pretty much silent on the subject.

This silence has existed for a reason and now I'm at a point where I just need to think out loud, to vent, share, on and here I am sharing with the entire interwebz my struggle.
I'm sure at this point given my relative radio silence over the past few years on this blog I have very few, if any, active followers yet but this is my space and so...

After hubby returned from deployment we quickly got pregnant, I was so excited.  I loved being pregnant, unfortunately at about 10 weeks we lost the baby.   I had a miscarriage the day after putting a copy of an ultrasound picture in the mail to my mom to tell her the great news.   The only thing I really remember about that night I lying on the bed in the ER sobbing uncontrollably when I remembered mailing the picture.   I looked at hubby and all I said was "you have to call and tell mom, I can't do it."

Hubby was amazing, we found out I was pregnant shortly after closing on our new house.  We had started our minor renovations when we found out but dear sweet hubby was stuck refinishing floors on his own after a very short tutorial from me (since I had done it before) then I bailed.  He busted his butt working on the house, then after I lost the baby busted his butt to make sure I was taken care of.

All he wanted was for me to be ok, so once I reached a point where I could function like a normal human being I was least as far as I let on, for the most part.   There were (are) occasionally times when I just can't hold it together.   Nights when I start sobbing uncontrollably with grief for no clear reason, days when I snap at him for not caring.  It has been over a year but I still feel empty inside.

After the miscarriage there were a lot of doctors appointments.   A lot of lab work.  A lot of ultrasounds...In the end my doctor decided to put me on a low dose thyroid pill because my thyroid levels were low but within the normal range, and there is a high correlation that has been found in multiple studies between thyroid levels like mine and early miscarriage.

So I thought I would take this magic pill and everything would get better.  I thought after a couple of months I would be pregnant again and this time my body wouldn't fail me, this time I would go to the hospital after 9ish months and come home with a healthy baby...

I was wrong.   I have now been on thyroid medication for 11 months and still not pregnant.   Maybe in time it will happen, but it hasn't yet and now we have to start exploring the cause once again.

I'm lucky that I have been assigned an amazing infertility doctor.  She is on the cutting edge of the field and explains things in a way that is easy to understand.   She recently diagnosed me with PCOS which sucks but at least it gives us a starting point as we explore treatment options and continue this journey.

If you would like to read my original post on Wife's blog it can be found here.

1 comment:

Wife of a Sailor said...

((hugs)) I'm so sorry you are still dealing with this.