As I type this I am sitting at my desk at work, part of me is simply refusing to work—the other part, doesn’t want to. Don’t get me wrong, I like my job and I for the most part like what I do, but lately it just hasn’t felt right.
Deployment is looming in the very near future, in fact my husband should have left already but due to some weather issues and other things their pull-out date has changed, which I am happy to say gives us a few more days together but at the same time completely throws a wrench in my weekend plans of sleeping, doing homework and spending money J oh well, guess I will have to catch up on two of those three things (the homework is kind of non-negotiable as it is due before he will leave) when he does actually leave.
How are these two things related? Well as deployment kept creeping closer and closer I started loosing more and more motivation at work. My performance is fine, I am getting things done but I also am not doing anything extra. The 800 special projects on my to-do list on January 1 are now 803 because I just keep adding to them not making time to get any actually done. My willingness to offer my help when I have a little extra time is completely gone. I just don’t want to be here. I can only assume that I don’t want to be here because I want to be at home either snuggled in bed with my hubby or hiding from the world in my blanket fort waiting on deployment to swoop in and turn my life upside down.
I’m nervous, I’m stressed, these are normal feelings and nothing I am going through is strange—but it is strange to me. I don’t normally shut down when I get stressed, instead I get amped up, run off the adrenaline and get not only my have-to finish stuff done but also accomplish tons more from running on the adrenaline. This time, there is no adrenaline…there is only … I don’t know what it is but I’m sure some of you can relate.
I’m not depressed, but I’m a little sad
I’m not scared, but I’m a little anxious
I’m not nervous, but I’m a little hesitant
I don’t want hubby to leave, but I’m excited that he gets to go
I am a walking basket case of contradictions and I think these contradictions have made me a little apathetic at work. Hopefully once hubby leaves and I get the hang of life without him once again (I was totally in a groove 3 weeks ago when he was underway, why didn’t they just stay gone???) I will get back to normal. But for now at least I guess I’ll keep being a bit of a stick in the mud.
And here’s hoping my employer doesn’t check my search history on my phone…because I’ve totally looked up new-careers from my personal smart phone 27 million times in the past week…at least I’m smart enough not to use my work computer! J