My delivery experience

I want to end 2019 with an emotional purge of a sort.  It's taken a long time (5 months in fact) to be ready to share this with the world, but I feel like it needs to be shared.  I need to tell my story for myself, and I feel like there need to be stories like mine for others when they go through similar situations and need to feel like they aren't alone.

**warning** do not read this if you are a little squeamish, have never had kids but want them, or generally get freaked out by medical stuff - especially medical emergency stuff...

Yes, it really was that bad...

No really - if you want kids but haven't had them or are currently pregnant, move on nothing to see here....

I have told this story quite a few times in the last 5 months but really am just now processing it fully for myself.  To say Little Dude's delivery didn't go as planned is an understatement. Anyone who knows me was not surprised when I said I wanted an unmedicated childbirth, or that I wanted to avoid a C-Section and most people were amused at my reasoning for avoiding an epidural (I didn't want a catheter and wanted to be able to stand up).
And honestly, I think if I had been able to have a more typical labor process I probably would have accomplished those goals, but Little Dude and God had other plans.
Late in the evening on July 30 I started having infrequent contractions (I had had an exam that morning and was starting to dilate but nothing exciting at that point in time).  I started doing stuff around the house that I wanted to make sure was done before going to the hospital but didn't say anything to my mom-who was here in case I went into labor while hubby was at away for Navy stuff (more on that later possibly)- or hubby because I didn't want them to freak out.  When we were getting ready for bed that night I told hubby to be prepared to go to the hospital in the morning but I was fairly confident I would make it through the night.
I woke up, on my own, around 6 AM on July 31 and so I took a shower and timed my contractions, they were more regular but still super far apart and honestly not that painful - I have significantly worse period cramps on a regular basis.  I sent my boss a text message letting him know I wouldn't be in but that we weren't going to the hospital yet and proceeded to spend the day hanging out with hubby, mom, and the dogs.   Around 3PM my contractions were about 15 minutes apart and I told hubby I thought we should go to Portsmouth for an early dinner so that if things sped up we were already on that side of the water since the last thing anyone wants is to get stuck in traffic in a tunnel while they are in labor.  So we went to Portsmouth for dinner and by the time we were done eating my contractions were down to about 5 minutes apart. 
I called my doula and we went for a walk around downtown before driving onto base to the hospital.  When I checked in with labor and delivery they took me back to triage and after performing an exam and measuring my contractions the midwife told me I had not progressed much since the prior morning and that the intensity of my contractions was so mild that even though they were pretty frequent she didn't really want to admit me yet.  However on the other side of that argument I was scheduled to be induced two days later so she was inclined to just move up my induction to that evening and we could go ahead and get things started.
I went ahead and had them admit me and once my Doula arrived I talked through everything with her, I really wanted to avoid pitocin and didn't love the idea of having it given to me to speed things up when I knew I was already in labor, even if it was early stages and slow moving. Hubby and I decided to have the midwife discharge me and that we would come back when things started heating up.  At this point it was probably around 8 or 9 pm.  I called the midwife and talked through all of my options with her.   After talking about my concerns she asked if she could check me again before we made any decisions and I had progressed 1 CM from when I was initially admitted.  Because I was showing progression and my contractions were even closer together (about 3-4 minutes) though still not super intense she convinced me to stay the night without being induced and that we would start pitocin in the morning if I wasn't showing more progression. 
Hubby walked my mom and the doula out to their cars and went to get our overnight bag and I started to settle into the room for the night with the goal of getting some rest so that I was ready for the main event.  I knew they wouldn't let me eat but I wasn't worried - I had snacks fully prepared for me to sneak if I got hungry.
In the less than 30 minutes from the time hubby left the room until he got back I went from knowing when I was having contractions but barely feeling uncomfortable to being super antsy, unable to get comfortable, constantly moving from the bed to standing, to having to pee.  The nurse kept coming in because I was moving so much the heart rate monitor kept slipping and my blood pressure was elevated.  Shortly after hubby got back to my room (around 11:30/12PM) I started feeling actual pain.  I paged the nurse and asked for painkillers because I knew if I were supposed to rest I needed something to take the edge off because there was no way I would be able to sleep with what was going on in my body.
Since I had been barely dilated about an hour prior they gave me the narcotic painkillers without a second thought - I was nowhere near ready to push and the medicine would be far out of my body before the baby was born.
And things just went downhill from there.
After getting the narcotics I laid down to try and rest and kept falling asleep then waking up for contractions.  I asked my husband after what felt like forever but was apparently only about 15 minutes if I was sleeping between contractions or if they were really as frequent as it felt and he responded with "no, you're having a contraction about every 30 seconds" which I knew meant that something had to be happening but since I had been barely dilated before I still figured we were in for a long night.  I started crying because I felt like I had failed but I knew I couldn't handle the pain I needed an epidural so I paged the nurse and she had the anesthesiologist come back and by some sort of magic he managed to insert an epidural despite my inability to stay still.  By this time I was completely sobbing because things were going so differently from how I had imagined.  But the good news was when they inserted my catheter they checked me again and I had dilated significantly more and they started talking about breaking my water - which I declined - I was at least going to let that happen on it's own.
Even with the epidural they kept losing the babies heart rate so after a little while my midwife came in and told me that they needed to use an internal heart rate monitor for the baby and that they would have to break my water in order to place it.  Obviously my babies safety was most important so I consented and when she went to put the monitor in place she commented that I was almost fully dilated and effaced - which was quite shocking since it was only about 1 am at this point.  I had progressed from 3 CM dilated the prior day, to 5 CM dilated around 12/1am, to being almost completely dilated around 1:30/2am.  This was going way faster than normal.  She placed the heart rate monitor, there was meconium when she broke my water so we discussed the concerns and risks and what would need to be done then the midwife left the room.  Less than 30 minutes later about 20 people came into my room - never a good sign  - they were losing the babies heart rate on the internal monitor, which meant the babies heart rate was dropping, no way it was just me moving the monitor, since I couldn't move the monitor.  The baby needed to come out and he needed to come out now.
The midwife checked me again and I was fully dilated so she told me I had 3 pushes to get the baby out. 
About 1/2 way through my second push we all knew it wasn't happening.  They started dropping the rails on my bed and unlocking the wheels before I even fully knew what was happening while explaining to me and my husband that we had to get the baby out immediately. The anesthesiologist started to push a spinal block as I was rolled into the operating room.

Everything from here on is how I remember it, the timelines are a little fuzzy and it still seems kind of a blur, partially due to all of the medication, partially because it was so rushed, but I think mainly because I had to disconnect myself from the situation as it was happening in order to survive.

When I entered the OR the surgeon called a time out to go over my medical history and the procedure being performed.  After going over the procedure quickly the surgeon asked the anesthesiologist if they were ok to cut and the reply was that it had only been 3 minutes since the spinal block was administered and that I needed at least 2 more minutes before I would be numb.  The surgeon replied that they needed to cut now and the anesthesiologist said ok.  He started using every medication he had on his cart and a second anesthesiologist who was in the room bent over by my head and started explaining to me what I would feel - and I felt everything.
As the surgeon made the first cut I jerked my arm (involuntarily) so hard that I broke the piece of the bed that it was scraped onto and someone else in the room had to hold it in place until they could get it reattached.

I then heard someone say that they needed to administer antibiotics just in case and I was coherent enough to yell that I was allergic to Zythromaicin (thankfully because that was one of the antibiotics they were going to give me), which I am sure they would have caught since I had a giant red allergy bracelet and it was on my chart but I am also sure I saved them a few seconds.  With the exception of that one moment of clarity throughout the entire ordeal I was screaming a single explicative...the word Fuck...It was the only thing I was capable of saying.  (My husband said that when he turned the corner with the nurse who was escorting him to walk down the hallway to the OR from my Labor & Delivery room he heard screaming, cracked a joke that someone was having a bad day, they realized I was the one screaming.  My heartfelt apologies go out to anyone who was in the Labor & Deliverly ward at the hospital the night of July 31/August 1 who had to listen to me, I am sure it was quite terrifying.)

Sometime in April Little Dude decided it would be a good idea to lodge his foot in my ribcage.  I swear his foot did not move from my ribcage until it was pulled out by the surgeon.  I felt it being removed, it was a very odd sensation.   They had trouble getting Little Dude out even once I was properly numb.  It seemed that even though my pushing was not productive the entire time from when I started pushing until they had me cut open he was trying to continue to pass through the birth canal.  It took 3 surgeons to get him out, and end the end they had to basically push his head back up the birth canal while pulling him out of my stomach feet first.  (One of his pediatricians who had been in the room told me later that I basically gave birth both ways and breech.)

After they removed his foot the next thing I remember a nurse asked if my husband could come in and the doctors said no.  I'm not sure why but something in the way they said it will always stick with me.  Never thought the entire process did I have any concern for Little Dude even though he was in distress and that was why we had to rush into surgery.  Instead the thought that went through my head was "I am going to die on this table," immediately followed by me hearing Little Dude cry.

Then I passed out.

It took less than 5 minutes from the time they started rolling me out of my labor & delivery room and when little dude was officially born.  It felt like a lifetime.  I remained in the Operating Room for at least an hour drifting in and out of consciousness because I was in such bad shape from the way they had to take Little Due out.  I lost a lot of blood and because he had a hard time getting out they had to make a longer cut than is normal.   I remember snippets of conversation as I drifted in and out and every time I came to I would ask if the baby was ok, someone would tell me yes, they would remind me that I heard him cry, then I would pass out again.  During this semi-conscious period I heard some very scary words and phrases, one that will always stick with me is hysterectomy.  When I finally came truly conscious in the recovery room I honestly expected to be told that my uterus had been removed and that I wouldn't be able to have anymore children.  But my baby was ok, and that was all that mattered.

Luckily that was not the case.  The doctors were able to stop the bleeding and get me stitched up properly without having to perform a hysterectomy.   Thought I did ask 3 different doctors during my recovery stay to verify that that was the case and that they hadn't just forgotten to tell me.  The only lasting effect of the surgery for me is that if/when I get pregnant again I will have to schedule an early C-Section because the additional cutting will make attempting to (or accidentally) labor naturally dangerous and put me at high risk for hemorrhage.

Little Dude ended up staying in the NICU for 5 days while he was weaned off of oxygen (he actually only needed it for a couple of hours but you can't just turn off O2 once you have a newborn on it.) We had some very minor issues with breastfeeding in the beginning that I think was at least in part because I was not able to actually meet Little Dude until he was 12 hours old and didn't get to hold him until he was almost 20 hours old or even attempt any type of latching until he was 2 days old.  Now he is a very healthy, very large, baby boy (he is in 9 month clothing, at 5 months old) He has been in the 92-95%tile since birth and is growing on his growth curve.  We are so lucky to have such a healthy baby since things could have been not so happy.

The one truly long term effect of his birth is that I believe the event gave me a slight case of PTSD.  I have historically been a little judgy about people who have claimed to have PTSD from events that "Weren't that bad" like this but now I feel sincere remorse for those feelings and nothing but empathy for those people.  One day about a month after Little Dude was born I got kind of spacey and hubby asked me if I was ok, I jokingly responded that I was having a Vietnam flashback, then stopped mid sentence and said "I think I have PTSD..." Hubby agreed with me and told me he would honestly be surprised if I didn't.  We talked about the possibility of me getting help and my husband encouraged me to do so but I honestly just never got around to it.  I was consumed with taking care of our Little Dude and as long as I had him within arms reach and safe any moments I had would pass.  In hindsight I think I probably should have been more proactive and probably should have talked to my doctor about getting a referral to a therapist but I also know that I didn't/don't need any sort of medication to help me.  I still wake up in the middle of the night occasionally (it has happened twice in the past 3 weeks) and check to make sure that the baby is ok and feel a little panicky but it isn't effecting my daily life and I have the coping mechanism that I need to keep it under control.  But I know if it ever starts to get worse I will need to make phone calls and get help immediately and I have taking the proactive step of figuring out what phone calls I need to make in order for that to happen.

To all the mama's out there who have suffered from postpartum PTSD-you are not alone, if it is affecting your daily life, please seek help, if you feel like you are out of control, please get help, if you feel alone, please get help, if you just want help, please get help!  Cowboying up is not the answer.  I didn't seek professional help but I did get a lot of help and support from my husband, family, and friends who knew the whole story.  Without that support I probably wouldn't have been ok.  Also, if you have even the slightest hint of postpartum depression or postpartum anxiety--Please get help.  These things are real, our hormones are insane, especially during the 4th trimester, it is not your fault and whatever you are feeling is real but just because you are feeling it and it is real doesn't mean you should suffer.      

Baby Shower!!!!

The season of friends and family members showering me with gifts has begun!!! Today I am heading to my mom's house and tomorrow my best friends in Louisville will be throwing my first baby shower.  I am so excited to celebrate our little one with our friends and family members.  The shower is going to be wonderfully nerdy - the theme is Doctor Who!  One of the hosts and I might be the only ones who understand all the references but it is going to be a fun day.

Next week my mom is going to have an open house style shower at her house so that the people who I grew up with and/or helped raise me can come celebrate our little one.  The party at her house isn't themed but I have no doubt it will be a nice evening with people I don't get to see often. 

All things baby are starting to take place and I can already see how blessed we are to have such amazing friends and family members.  Some of my girlfriends here are planning on breaking into my house while we are out of town (we have a dog/house sitter who will actually let them in) to paint the nursery so that I don't have to. 

I really am so grateful to have so many people who are excited to welcome our little man into the world and who are already showing how much the love him and us. 

Whats the nicest thing someone did for you when you were expecting?  If you aren't a parent what is the nicest thing someone has done for you unexpectedly at another time of anticipation?

Family Drama

As I have gotten older I have learned that pretty much everyone has some sort of family drama.   I used to think that it was strange for families to have drama, especially over little things, since my mom's family genuinely likes each other and gets along.  My dad's family had some skeletons in the closet but nothing I would consider drama, and he had a fight with his sister when his dad died but even that seemed legit to me. 
My husbands family isn't exactly the same as mine.  His family doesn't talk about problems they just pretend they don't exist, family events (especially funerals) are made up of more gossip than most of my sorority events in college, and I honestly believe the majority of his immediate family members tolerate each other at best.
Sometimes this difference in attitude is very difficult for me to understand and unsurprisingly it has bubbled to the surface during our baby-celebration planning.  My husband is used to the attitudes so he just kind of ignores it and tells me to do the same but I have a hard time with that.  Especially with my hormones all over the place.
So-what about you? Does your extended family like each other, hate each other, or are they somewhere in the middle? Does your significant others family handle things differently from yours? How do you adjust to the differences?

Puppies love babies too

My dogs are so excited for me to have the baby.   You might think there is no way that the dogs know I'm pregnant but I disagree.   The dogs have been all over my bump, I think Izzy knew I was pregnant before I did, and even K9 is being a little more gentle around me. 
We have started cleaning out the guest room upstairs that will become the nursery - normally the dogs totally freak out when we get rid of things or deep clean, they have been curious about the space but they haven't done their normal nervous freak out.
So what do you think? Science has proven that trained dogs can tell when there is a medical emergency with their owner but can normal household puppies tell when mom is pregnant?

Writing a birth plan

During my last visit with my doula she encouraged Hubby and I to start working on our birth plan.  She said most people's birth plans are these giant long narratives that doctors may or may not read so she recommended if we take that route that we give the long narrative to our doctor in advance then take a bullet point one page list and/or visual birth plan with us to delivery.
I of course am totally not the long narrative type of girl - So we are starting with bullet points and planning on having a visual birth plan in the delivery room.

What is a visual birth plan was my first question - a visual birth plan is this amazing one page picto-graph with images that represent the different interventions you do and do not want to incorporate in your childbirth experience baring any unexpected complications.   I had never heard of this magic before but I am so excited to incorporate a visual birth plan into our delivery experience.  I am such a visual person and not a narrative person I think this is exactly what I need. 

I'm still researching the different visual birth plan templates to figure out which one offers me more of what I want but I do plan to post my actual plan on here once it is done.  For now these are the different templates I am looking at.

http://www.visualbirthplanbuilder.com/

https://visualbirthplanner.com/

https://www.mamanatural.com/birth-plan-template/

I'm leaning towards the Mama Natural one because I love her book and other resources.

So what about you? Have you ever heard of a visual birth plan? Did you have a birth plan? What kind of birth plan did you utilize? Did your labor and delivery go according to the plan? 

Questioning Everything

One day last week I was super busy at work so I turned off all of my notifications on my phone and my email.  April 1 is a pretty big deadline for me and I needed to get into a groove because one of my coworkers took a new job and I was flying solo on a project that we would normally be doing together. 
Somehow in the midst of this I missed a pretty important email from my boss about an audit request.  Even tho I was on a tight deadline, requests from our auditors needed to take priority because their deadline was March 29, so technically I had more time than they did.  Around 4:30 I opened up my email to see if there was anything needing attention before I left and of course I saw this email and had a major oh crap moment.  I knew their request would take me at least and hour and a half but I could still be home in time for my Junior League conference call at 6:30 so I didn't stress out too much - that is until I realized that I had saved over the file I used to create the report they were asking about and no longer had the year end version easily accessible to answer their questions...
So at 7:15 I was still working on the audit request while listening into my conference call since I was the only person in the office other than the auditors when I finally said screw it, sent them what I had and promised the rest of the report for the morning. 
This in and of itself wasn't a big deal, I have worked until 7 or 8PM (later when I worked in public accounting) more nights than I can count during January - April in my 12 years as an accountant, it is kind of in the job description.  However at the end of the day I no longer work for public accounting.  I work for a corporation that does not pay overtime, gives limited raises, has enough but not a lot of opportunity for advancement, and generally has no reward system for going significantly above and beyond the call of duty.  More importantly because the reward system is built the way it is I get the same reward for putting in significant extra effort as someone who just does a good job.  So now, I am questioning everything.
Hubby had plans after work so I had already told him not to worry about the dogs, of course now I'm a crappy dog mom because it was after 7:30 PM when I got home and the poor things needed to go outside and potty and wanted their dinner. 
Because I was so busy I only got about 3,000 steps all day and didn't stand up for over 3 straight hours, making me an absolutely horrible human mom since pregnant women aren't supposed to sit for extended periods of time due to blood clot risks.   Also I didn't drink enough water today and ate an entire bag of Cadbury chocolate eggs so totally winning on the healthy decisions for me and for baby. 
By the time I got home I let the dogs outside then just stood in the middle of the living room and cried (like ugly cried, complete with sobs and minor hyperventilating).  I can't help but question how I am possibly going to be a good mom to this precious baby who I have wanted for so long I lack the basic ability to leave work at a reasonable hour to let out my dogs.  If instead of dogs I had needed to go get my kid from daycare then what would have happened? Would I have had to leave work then bring my kid back with me? That doesn't exactly work well since bedtimes and dinners are kind of important? Do I just say fuck it, leave work to take care of my kid and not finish my tasks on time?  I have never missed a work deadline in my life and I don't plan to suddenly start but I can help but question how I'm going to keep all of the plates spinning above my head after this baby is born. 

Essential Oils and Pregnancy

I love essential oils.   As someone who is allergic to many manufactured scents I appreciate being able to make my home smell good without worrying about the impact on my lungs.  Now I am also allergic to things like pollen and pet dander so I am not 100% immune to all essential oils but in general I don't have to worry about diffusing something if I think it smells good.

Personally essential oils for me have primarily served the purpose of "they smell good"up until now.  I know that different oils have different effects and understand the basics of aromatherapy so I make sure to diffuse oils that are calming at night time and more energizing during the day but overall I have kind of ignored the true benefits of essential oils beyond "they smell good" until now. 

(OK, that's not 100% true I began to clean with Young Living Thieves Cleaner (we even use it in our hot tub instead of chemicals) about 2 years ago and have been a true believer in the healing properties and lice preventing properties of tea tree oil for many many years.) 

Now that I am pregnant I'm concerned about the safety of pretty much everything, and beyond that I want to take advantage of anything that is available to help keep my pregnancy symptoms at bay or help during delivery and with healing.  So I am delving deeper into the world of essential oils.   Learning all I can to make sure that I am making safe, informed choices about what is best of me and my baby.   

So far this is what I know:

1-Purity of the oil matters.  

A couple of years ago when I started using oils to smell good I knew I wanted to buy oils that were of a high quality because of my allergies.  I researched all of the major brands and determined that Young Living Oils were the best option for me.  There was another company I actually liked better but at the time they had a very limited selection and I had a handful of friends who sold Young Living so I decided that was the best route to go.   I do no sell Young Living Oils but they will be the ones you read about on my blog the most since I am of the opinion that if I have found a brand I trust why would I continue looking elsewhere?   If you are interested in purchasing Young Living Oils and don't have a friend selling them let me know, I'm sure my friend will be happy to help you.   Any link's I include in the future will be to her Young Living page since I do believe in the power of supporting each other in direct sales endeavors.  (If you are interested in ordering oils today here is a link to my friend Kelly's Young Living site.  If you want to get to know Kelly first you can check out her blog Momumental Love )

2-If you don't like the oil, don't use it.

Just because lavender is supposed to be relaxing doesn't mean it has that effect for everyone.  So why subject yourself to a scent you don't enjoy?  There are a ton of oils that work for relaxation, if the first one doesn't work for you try a different one.

3-Carrier oils are necessary for topical application of many oils but not all.

This one I'm a little less clear on but some of the bottles say that the oil is safe for undiluted/neat topical application while others require a 1:1, 2:1, or even 4:1 dilution ratio.  I figure since the labels are different for every oil there must be some sort of science behind it.  Off to learn more!

As I continue to research and learn more I plan on sharing the tips and tricks and specific oil recommendations here.  I've already come up with a giant list of questions to start researching and a handful to ask my doula during our first prenatal visit.  Are there any questions you would like me to make sure I get the answers to? 

Inappropriate conversations at work

Wow, just wow.  Why do post-menopausal women think they have a free pass to say whatever they want about other women, especially about the status of their uterus?
A few years ago I had two coworkers who were pregnant at the same time, and a coworker kept asking me when I was going to have a baby.  I was fairly new to the office so I laughed it off and said "someday."
Then about two years ago my boss's wife was pregnant and the questions started again.  This time she made the comment on a day when I was having a rough time on my fertility journey and dealing with an unsuccessful IUI attempt.  So I snapped.  I told the lady the status of my uterus was no of her business and if she didn't stop asking I would be happy to file a complaint with HR.   She got huffy and proceeded not to speak to me for about 6 months (which didn't hurt my feelings at all!).
Now that I'm pregnant she keeps stopping at my desk and asking questions about my pregnancy.  Thankfully she hasn't gone as far as to touch my belly but so far she has:
-Asked me about my appetite
-Commented that I haven't gained enough weight
-Commented on how much weight I've gained
-Asked about my mood swings
and best of all
-Said "Oh you're finally getting boobs!" as my (male) boss was walking around the corner.  Thankfully I don't think he heard but talk about embarrassing.

What would you do?  If you have had kids what were some of the craziest things people said to you?

Exhaustion

Over the weekend my husband ran an 8K and a Half Marathon.   You would think that that means that he is super exhausted today and absolutely worn out, strangely enough I think I'm more tired than he is.
My husband did not train for these races, but he is a natural runner and did really well.  He loves to run and has ran a lot of races over the years, some better than others and he has ran various lengths and at different frequencies.  This weekend's race we a bit of a last minute decision but he had fun.
I don't think I've realized until now how much of a toll the extra weight I have gained so far has taken on my body.  My feet are more sore than they should be given the amount I walked/stood, my back aches, and I'm super exhausted.  Also my knees keep popping and even my neck is tight.  I have a chiropractor appointment tomorrow and I'm sure that will fix a lot of the neck and back stuff my the feet might be something I need to be more careful about for the rest of this pregnancy.
Overall this weekend really has made me understand more about how people who are truly overweight or obese and try to get more active in order to loose weight feel.  If two mornings of cheering for my husband while he raced could take that toll on my body, how much more painful must it be to walk 10,000 steps or stand for an hour when you have an extra 40 or 50 or even more pounds on your body.
I'm also taking this as my sign that I need to up my activity level daily throughout the end of this pregnancy so that I can be as healthy as possible when it comes time to push.
Wish me luck!

Big Fat Negative

Today is hubbys birthday.   Today is also the day I got to take a pregnancy test after an IUI we had two weeks ago.  Needless to say it was negative.

 

I'm so upset about this, for some reason even though over the past 4 years I have become a pro at negative pregnancy tests this one hit me extra hard.  I really thought I was pregnant and for some reason I thought that since it was hubbys birthday it would be so fun to see the positive test firs thing this morning.

Instead I woke up super early, took a test and received an error message…Of course with all of the various things going on and all of the tests I’ve had to take in preparation of my surgery etc this was my last test on hand, and it was an expensive digital one that I was keeping for last because I hadn’t wanted to waste it on the times I knew it would be negative but had to verify before starting medication etc..

So at 5:45 this morning, still expecting a positive result I threw on decent clothes and ran to CVS to buy another pregnancy test, just to get a BFN.  At first I was fine.  I told hubby, I got ready for work I was good to go…Then as I was getting on the interstate to go to work traffic was backed up.  The roads this morning were a little slick because there is misty rain going on and it was very foggy.  Of course the idiot behind me is flying up the on ramp not paying attention and almost rear-ended me…and I lot it.

I started ugly crying, on the on ramp to the interstate after almost getting rear ended for no discernable reason…dear lord help me if I’m going to be crazy emotional through this I have done a good job over the past 4 years of having moments then getting on with what has to get done but this was different, bordering on unhealthy.   

1-I do not have the time or energy to stop my life to be crazy every month

2-it’s not healthy to do so

I think we are going to have a lot of thinking to do about this.  Granted it is the first time since I actually was pregnant that I have had a negative when expecting a positive (I’ve been nauseous the last few days and really tired, of course there is also a bug going around so that is probably the actual cause…God I don’t have time to get sick either!)  but intellectually I know I can’t let this run my life or control my emotions.   I have to be able live my life.  I just really don’t know what direction we need to go at this point.  I’m not ready to give up, it has been my dream since I was just a baby to be a mom, and to feel a child growing inside of me is something special that I really want to experience but I’m starting to wonder if my dreams conflict with God’s plans…