Big Fat Negative

Today is hubbys birthday.   Today is also the day I got to take a pregnancy test after an IUI we had two weeks ago.  Needless to say it was negative.

 

I'm so upset about this, for some reason even though over the past 4 years I have become a pro at negative pregnancy tests this one hit me extra hard.  I really thought I was pregnant and for some reason I thought that since it was hubbys birthday it would be so fun to see the positive test firs thing this morning.

Instead I woke up super early, took a test and received an error message…Of course with all of the various things going on and all of the tests I’ve had to take in preparation of my surgery etc this was my last test on hand, and it was an expensive digital one that I was keeping for last because I hadn’t wanted to waste it on the times I knew it would be negative but had to verify before starting medication etc..

So at 5:45 this morning, still expecting a positive result I threw on decent clothes and ran to CVS to buy another pregnancy test, just to get a BFN.  At first I was fine.  I told hubby, I got ready for work I was good to go…Then as I was getting on the interstate to go to work traffic was backed up.  The roads this morning were a little slick because there is misty rain going on and it was very foggy.  Of course the idiot behind me is flying up the on ramp not paying attention and almost rear-ended me…and I lot it.

I started ugly crying, on the on ramp to the interstate after almost getting rear ended for no discernable reason…dear lord help me if I’m going to be crazy emotional through this I have done a good job over the past 4 years of having moments then getting on with what has to get done but this was different, bordering on unhealthy.   

1-I do not have the time or energy to stop my life to be crazy every month

2-it’s not healthy to do so

I think we are going to have a lot of thinking to do about this.  Granted it is the first time since I actually was pregnant that I have had a negative when expecting a positive (I’ve been nauseous the last few days and really tired, of course there is also a bug going around so that is probably the actual cause…God I don’t have time to get sick either!)  but intellectually I know I can’t let this run my life or control my emotions.   I have to be able live my life.  I just really don’t know what direction we need to go at this point.  I’m not ready to give up, it has been my dream since I was just a baby to be a mom, and to feel a child growing inside of me is something special that I really want to experience but I’m starting to wonder if my dreams conflict with God’s plans…