Journey to Pregnancy number 2 - abbreviated version

So I actually have more background posts from my original infertility blog, but I kind of want to skip over those and just give more of the facts and general timeline that have brought us from 2014 to 2019 or at least to where I feel like things started to change.
After I miscarried in 2014 my body acted normal for a brief period of time before going super wacky again.  I ended up going back to the specialist and received a formal diagnosis of PCOS.  I then had a second surgery to remove another polyp from my uterus.  Silly me I thought the second surgery would work like the first one and once the growth was removed by body would work like it was supposed to and I would be able to get pregnant again, but this time that wasn't the case.
After multiple long (VERY LONG) cycles, failed IUI attempts, and just generally becoming jaded with traditional medicine I decided to take things into my own hands and advocate for my own health.  It was during this time I started my infertility blog and eventually discovered Restorative Reproductive Medicine.
While I never consulted directly with a restorative MD I did dive very far down the natural and holistic rabbit hole.  I started by removing chemicals from our house, even though I was already eating fairly "healthy" I took things a step further, I started using essential oils and eventually, I got over my fear of the woo-woo needles and went to a Traditional Chinese Medicine Doctor/Acupuncturist who a friend recommended and had used to during infertility treatments a few years prior.   
The combination of these changes seemed to work.  After just 2 acupuncture treatments my period started without using any drugs to induce it and since then it remained normal, if on the long side of what would traditionally be considered a normal cycle.   I was finally able to tell what my body was telling me and could identify when something was outside of my personal normal.

I finally got around to reading the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility and realized that by not buying it sooner I had done myself a huge disservice.

While I was doing all of this my husband was working on his health as well.  A friend introduced him to Spartan races and he decided that he loved the challenge.  He let me do my hippie dippy thing and get rid of all the unnatural ingredients in our house and even decided he like the new essential oils we were using.   He even read the research I gave him about removing chemicals from our hot tub and let me switch out the pseudo-natural products we were using for Thieves cleaner based on information I found on a few different websites.  (Which let me add I will happily talk about later because the Thieves works so much better!)

As a result of these changes we both started feeling better and at the end of 2017 I told him if he could get our friends to do it I would like to run a Spartan race with him in 2018, which is exactly what I did.   But I feel like that is a story for next week.

Big Fat Negative

Today is hubbys birthday.   Today is also the day I got to take a pregnancy test after an IUI we had two weeks ago.  Needless to say it was negative.

 

I'm so upset about this, for some reason even though over the past 4 years I have become a pro at negative pregnancy tests this one hit me extra hard.  I really thought I was pregnant and for some reason I thought that since it was hubbys birthday it would be so fun to see the positive test firs thing this morning.

Instead I woke up super early, took a test and received an error message…Of course with all of the various things going on and all of the tests I’ve had to take in preparation of my surgery etc this was my last test on hand, and it was an expensive digital one that I was keeping for last because I hadn’t wanted to waste it on the times I knew it would be negative but had to verify before starting medication etc..

So at 5:45 this morning, still expecting a positive result I threw on decent clothes and ran to CVS to buy another pregnancy test, just to get a BFN.  At first I was fine.  I told hubby, I got ready for work I was good to go…Then as I was getting on the interstate to go to work traffic was backed up.  The roads this morning were a little slick because there is misty rain going on and it was very foggy.  Of course the idiot behind me is flying up the on ramp not paying attention and almost rear-ended me…and I lot it.

I started ugly crying, on the on ramp to the interstate after almost getting rear ended for no discernable reason…dear lord help me if I’m going to be crazy emotional through this I have done a good job over the past 4 years of having moments then getting on with what has to get done but this was different, bordering on unhealthy.   

1-I do not have the time or energy to stop my life to be crazy every month

2-it’s not healthy to do so

I think we are going to have a lot of thinking to do about this.  Granted it is the first time since I actually was pregnant that I have had a negative when expecting a positive (I’ve been nauseous the last few days and really tired, of course there is also a bug going around so that is probably the actual cause…God I don’t have time to get sick either!)  but intellectually I know I can’t let this run my life or control my emotions.   I have to be able live my life.  I just really don’t know what direction we need to go at this point.  I’m not ready to give up, it has been my dream since I was just a baby to be a mom, and to feel a child growing inside of me is something special that I really want to experience but I’m starting to wonder if my dreams conflict with God’s plans…